When I was 14 years old my Dad asked me to read one of Carnegie's books.
For those who do not know who this man is, he is one of the most well-known self-help authors in the world whose works help people to become successful. He also wrote other self-help books on presentation and public speaking skills. Whenever Dad speaks of him, the name Carnegie sounds like he is a saint or the God of self-improvement who I shall worship.
I think the title of the book was Write for Women, a book written to advise on how women should behave and present themselves. I vaguely remember about how women should be obedient to their husbands and never question anything. This was the point when I became confused about its teachings then I eventually gave up after reading a few chapters, which somehow made my Dad upset. I could not comprehend why he was so disappointed with my decision to stop reading his works. Since then, I did not put any thoughts on it.
Recently, I had a discussion with a cousin of mine about the discourses in self-help books and I watched a monologue video about the toxic culture permeating self-development books. These eventually caused the name Carnegie to reappear in my life. It motivated me to do some research about Carnegie and this has led to some interesting discoveries.
Dale Carnegie first published his book during the Great Depression, and his pen name was inspired by the philanthropist Andrew Carnegie. Besides, the book I read is written and published by his wife, Dorothy in the 1950s, who used her husband's pen name to write this book, which could have been a tactic to boost sales. The similar pen name and writing style gives people misconceptions about the book being written by Carnegie himself. I also found out that most of the life advice my Dad gave me was from his books.
Now, these questions pop up in my mind: Why is my dad so obsessed with me following the advice of a 1950s American woman to live as a 21st-century woman? What is its charm that caused millions of people to buy self-development books?
Self-help authors like Carnegie usually narrate in a confident and reassuring tone which reinforces their status as a life guru. No one would ever take any advice from an indecisive and insecure person. Moreover, addressing the readers as 'you' creates a sense of closeness between the reader and the author. The industry knows that its target audience is people who seek life-changing methods to keep them away from their miserable and lonely life, in which they play the role of messiahs and problem-solvers to the readers' dilemmas.
Despite its aim to empower the readers, it also blinds them from their toxic and questionable discourses. They trap the readers into a deceptive bubble of false hope and euphoria so they would feel hyped after they finish a book and believe they are on the journey to materialistic success. Besides, the patronizing tone refrains the readers from having their room for questioning and evaluating the content. They also build up a sense of fear and place the reader in a guilt trip if they do not follow any of the instructions provided. Therefore, self-judgment and self-resentment become a habit. Besides, the positive environment they create to motivate people has a harmful effect on the readers when dealing with negativity.
I will use Dale Carnegie's work titled How to Win Friends and Influence People, which I just stumbled upon during my research, as an example. The title itself suggests a manipulative and competitive vibe, producing a problematic discourse in socializing. Although there are some useful points in this book, Carnegie provided some questionable and disturbing ways to socialize. From the content, I realized this is similar advice that my Dad told me about the tactics of making friends.
Carnegie's definition of friendship is similar to a business transaction, in which the act of making friends is tactical and formulaic. It lacks the element of sincerity and trust which is essential within any relationship. Here I present some of his views and explain why it is damaging.
"If you want others to gladly do you favors, show your appreciation frequently." Why make friends for the sake of letting others help you? Never expect others to do favors for you unless they are willing to do so.
"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." Why the need to discard your own distinctive self in order to please others? Besides, this statement can go the other way around: "You can spend two years trying getting interested in others but others would not get interested in you."
"There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it." There are certain conflicts that are unavoidable and you need to face it no matter what the circumstances. Thomas and Kilmann provided five conflict resolution strategies in which each method helps in solving different types of disputes. Avoidance is the weakest form of disagreement solution and it is less likely to make the problem dissolve and achieve common ground.
From the examples above, it shows that Carnegie's view on friendship is superficial and benefit-seeking. To have a large group of friends, one should become a people pleaser by hiding their own true identity and accommodating to the other's needs and wants. This mindset produces an obsession in public image and presentation as well as the high self-consciousness and worries in fitting into the wider social circle.
My criticism against Carnegie's works does not generalize the entire self-help community. I think Carnegie's advice only works for the business world and its etiquette, which I am not an expert in this field. There are other helpful self-development books that give actual guidance on personal skills and moralistic development rather than materialism and the superficial. Some of the good titles include The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson and Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Readers need to differentiate between supportive and harmful content and question any controversial statements provided by the author. Most crucially, live your own life without following a scheme or formula set up by others.
Bibliography:
Carnegie, D. and MacMillan, A., 1988. How To Win Friends & Influence People. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Covey, S., 2013. The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. [United States]: Business Book Summaries.
Kilmann Diagnostics. 2020. Take The Thomas-Kilmann Instrument | Improve How You Resolve Conflict. [online] Available at: <https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/overview-thomas-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument-tki/> [Accessed 13 July 2020].
Manson, M., 2016. The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck. [United States]: HarperOne.
Completed on: 15th July 2020